Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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