Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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