I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
