There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
