You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
