Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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