my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
