Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
