Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
