I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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