I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
