Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
