Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
