You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
