The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
