pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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