Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
