His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
