fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
