I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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