My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
