Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
