Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
sex in a hospital.. check
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
