All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
