WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
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