I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
