I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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