i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
