Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
