there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
