Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
