I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
