she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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