Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
