we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
