K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
