does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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