Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
