i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
