I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
