i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
