Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
