1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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