Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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