Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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