She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
