Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
