I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
