Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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