why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
babies were throwing up all over the place
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
