Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
